tonight my mind is in limbo. it's neither negative or optimistic. i want to sit on my drive way at home, with or without my friends, with or without a cigarette, with or without my pen and paper, and look up at the desert sky and smell the dry winter with the freezing wind hitting me, and i feel like i would find hope. i would find something that i am not finding here in my empty apartment, in a town where i could give a damn about a single soul here.
others feel angry in this situation, but my inspiration just leaves me. others can find reason to be happy, and usually i am one of those people, but here, i'm not. how can you find that in a place that is lifeless? i've seen those who can, but i can't. in many ways i refuse to. i don't want to try really hard to find happiness and life somewhere. if it's there i should be able to feel it. i want to feel the life, i don't want to just hope for it's existence.