Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I fear there is no time to write a ground breaking post before the new year, even now I find myself being pulled outside to write in my journal instead of writing here. So I leave with this short post to let you know that the inspiration is flowing, and that it will continue growing into the new year. this new year will be incredible because i have control of it. you can mark my words, because i promise it will be true.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

chriiistmas is over

christmas is over, and i am happy to say that it was wonderful. although i must admit, my real christmas happened on tuesday. ryan and i had a beautiful stack of wrapped presents in the corner, and no parents to tell us we have to wait till christmas morning, so our inner children took over. our bed was in our living room (all due to moving), but we did have a cute little plastic christmas tree and christmas lights hanging on the walls. we also smoked a christmas blunt afterwards, with the stocking stuffers i gave ryan. it was magic and a very 'us' christmas.

i don't want to be too materialistic and talk about presents, but i do want to mention the two adorable pairs of steve madden flats, a pendulum, and my mom gave me my own bead kit! i've been eying all three of those things for ages, especially the bead kit. my mom has this wonderful collection of beads that she has collected for most of her life, and i've missed not having it to play with or make bracelets out of. it's neat to know that i now have my own to start, my own collection. it just falls into place with my new years resolution of creativity.

recently i've moved back home, and i won't lie and say it's not strange. as much as it is strange, it's really nice, too. i'm excited to not have school for a little over a month, but am focusing on finding a job. there are a few positive chances through my parents, and i do think that being a hostess may be in my near future. a job change will be nice and refreshing.

thrift store shopping and trips to the fashion district with my momma are also in the near future. i'm excited to get to see my friends, have late nights in my trailer, and smoking sessions in front yards. it will be interesting to actually make an effort to see ryan, and actually go on 'dates' where i get picked up instead of us just leaving our apartment. it's bittersweet, but i'm hoping it will be more sweet than bitter.

Monday, December 20, 2010

the year of change

i was thinking of doing a recap of 2010, but then i quickly realized that the year is not over yet and there is still time for new things to happen. so, instead i feel inspired to write about things i hope to gain from 2011.

first thing is first, i want 2011 to be a creative year for me. i've spent most of today reading the blog 'a beautiful mess' and it has made me realize that people have taken their inspiration and ran with it, and it has given me inspiration to do the same. instead of letting my inspiration leave me, or simply write about it, i'm ready to do something with it. i'm not sure if it will be making things, getting a deeper love of thrift store shopping, or making my next apartment home, but you can trust that something will come of my inspiration, and i'm so excited! i may even make an inspiration journal, inspired by the blog i previously mentioned.

isn't that an adorable idea? it's a way to figure out your own personal taste so you can go back and inspire yourself. i've been doing that for ages just by saving pictures i like onto my computer, but if i could get that inspiration in a physical form, it'd be wonderful.

this year i also want to be healthier, but stick to it. i plan on cutting down on fast food, cutting out soda, and taking vitamins regularly. i've cut out soda before, and my self control has grown that i really think i can do the others. i will try to exercise, too, but i do not plan on making any extreme promises that i can't keep.

here is a strange goal for 2011, but i want to devote less time to sleep. i want to wake up in the morning excited for the day, not eager to go back to a dream. i want to have more late nights, whether they be filled with drives or long walks. i want more adventure in my life, and i won't settle for anything less. i'm going to be reunited with passion this year, reunited with life. this drab time in my life has made me forgot, and i plan on remembering.

i'll be in a better place this entire year, i'll be genuinely happy this entire year - those are both things that i can be certain of.

this year will be full of changes and surprises, so here is for my one last resolution - i plan on refalling in love with Ryan Wade this year. don't misunderstand, i have yet to fall out of love with him, but we are older now. it's been three years, and this year will only be different. we are becoming older, and we are constantly changing, and i am extremely excited to always get to know him again. half of this year will be spent not living with each other, and the other half will go back to normal - and it will all be wonderful.

the whole next year is full of mystery, and it's full of excitement. i don't think i have ever been as excited for a year as i am for this year. 2011 will be another year for the books, i can already feel it.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

there are a few things on my mind, and you can already expect this not to be well written. i'm annoyed with the world, or with certain parts of the world. i'm annoyed with certain parts of myself. there are too many hormones in my system and its effecting my train of thought. i've been getting better at controlling them so the outside world is not effected, my inside my mind is a completely different story.

i am tired of people who like to pretend to be grown up, who go and complain about their lives on any possible social networking site. they complain about how lonely they are, how much they hate their parents, what all is going wrong in their life - and these people are supposed to be high school graduates. aren't they supposed to be growing as individuals? instead they are trying for any cheap shot of sympathy. yes, we all need empathy and compassion, but you should not beg for it. i wish my generation was a stronger kind of individual, but they aren't. if anything i feel as though my generation is the weakest yet. fishing for sympathy, and compliments, and never maturing.

here's a catch - i don't feel like i'm above those individuals. if anything, i'm just as immature as all of them, but i don't show it. i don't know if that is because i care about what people think, but i don't. don't misunderstand, i let a sad twitter slip eventually, but not in hopes of someone @replying and saying how they feel for me. i'm more immature in other ways. for example, i can't fight and half of the time i don't think rationally. ask ryan, he'll tell you. i'm annoyed with myself for another reason as well, for a year now i feel like i've been trying to find myself, or create myself, but i don't know why. i get those moments where i don't need that, then others where i need to be more like myself.

this is a rant, only a rant. i feel like all i can ever do is rant.

Friday, December 17, 2010

my clothing lustlist

being a poor college student in the middle of moving and christmas, i really can't afford to buy anything pointless for myself right now. but i can online shop! window shop, if you will.

striped top
simple gray open front cardigan
adorable cropped vest
brown sweater machine sweater
fair isle cardigan!
red and black cardigan
basic t-shirt dress
sweet babydoll dress
new years dress
tweed shorts
classic black mini skirt
baggy shirt
baggy shirt #2
flowy lace top
one in light brown, too
kimichi blue wingtip heel
here's another entry, only because i fear i have used up enough pages of my journal tonight. scrambled cursive words across each unmarked page, forming senseless sentences. write drunk, edit sober. write drunk, edit sober. write drunk, edit sober. i wonder what happens if you never edit, if you just go, let it wander.

it feels nothing like christmas this year, and all i want to do is go home. i miss all of my christmas decorations, all the ornaments, each of us have our own. i miss my moms hand painted ceramic town.

this room should feel magical. lights strung up on the walls, a beautiful pile of packages in the corner, stockings on the wall, but it doesn't, not to me. tonight i feel lonely, and it doesn't make sense because i shouldn't. rum is not my friend. hormones are not my friend. there are circles to go round in right now, and i feel out of the loop with even my own.

to you: i hope your year turned out like it should have, like you had so much hope for it to.

i don't know what i feel right now. i feel so much, and then it feels like i feel nothing.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I apologize for the few shortages of this blog, and how much I feel I have ignored this blog, but here's a list.


- i danced with my boyfriend tonight in front of a ton of people. there was jazz music playing, and i have not felt this happy for so long.
- whiskey is my new favorite drink, as i feel pukish
- diamondinthedark is an amazing girl, and no one should have let her go. you will find so much better, i promise. AND, we are hanging out when i get home. i know you're younger, but we are so similar. i'm excited to see where our friendship can go.
- i am so very in love with a ginger boy named ryan. but to those of you who are not in love, i am slightly sorry that i am, and i can only hope that you find this someday. everyone deserves to find this, and i really have naive hope that everyone will find this someday.
- no one in the world has ever understood me the way ryan wade has. the way someone can word what i'm feeling, when i can't even find the words. who can figure out what is keeping me trapped in head, and help me find my way out.
-the past two days someone has told me how perfect ryan and i look together. how we fit. thank you.
- tshirts make the best pajamas
- i don't know what i believe in, in this world, i really am just going day by day.

hey world, i'm happy, and i love you all.
this is the only thing that i find myself thinking about: social anxiety is horrible.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

it's interesting and strange what bands decide on being a part of your life forever. they had no intention of doing so, but there is always that one moment and you meet for the first time and sometimes it hits you right away and they are stuck as apart of you. there are the others, you'll meet and be polite but no commitment is made within the first four minutes before politely saying your farewells. this is my favorite kind of decision, because you see, you two will meet up again. it could be weeks, months or possibly even years, but you'll bump into each other again. there won't be any awkward moments because you both are suddenly in awe that you have not gotten in touch before this moment.

thank you, to all of those relationships and moments that will stay with me.
here's something blunt, i smoke weed. it's not a sometimes thing, i can honestly say i smoke at least five times a week, and usually more. there is no creatively, beautiful way to write that, not for me at least. it's interesting because i don't love it. it doesn't help me find a new perspective, really i just find it fun as a phase. it's nice to sit around and pass a bowl, or a joint, or on a good night, a blunt. good conversation can pop up, and if you have the right music on, it can set the whole scene. in a strange way it also brings people together. if you meet someone new who smokes, then you guys can smoke together. it's an easy way to get together. 'oh, want to come over and smoke?' i can't tell you how many wonderful memories i have that include weed in them, or how many interesting people i've met due to the activity. some of my favorite people in the world are stoners, or active weed smokers, and still i have those who aren't.

somedays i consider myself a stoner, while other days i don't. it depends on my mood, how i feel about weed that day, how confident in myself i am feeling that day. so many contributing factors to whether i even own up to it that day. i don't know what this says about me, and honestly, i don't really care to find out. i'll never be proud, but i'll never be ashamed. the way i really see if is if people honestly feel like judging me due to the fact that i smoke marijuana, then they aren't worth my time. that isn't written in a cruel way, but in an open way. there are many things to be closed off to, but to judge someone due to one thing, is uncalled for. all of my friends who smoke weed will tell you bluntly that they do, and in many ways i admire that about them.

i will tell you something, writing while by yourself and high is an experience. i will never suggest anyone to smoke, nor will i ever make someone feel lame for not trying it. i admire people who have never touched a drug a day in their life just as much as i admire those who will be honest and tell you their experiences.

i'm no one to look up to, but i will be honest.

update: i really do not smoke as much anymore. i realized that it's not for me. i truly have a sober soul and i've decided to embrace that and love that about myself. i will never look down on anyone who smokes, its just not for me personally.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

another sleepless night. another night where my tear ducts are really good at working, even when i don't want them to. i should hang up clothes. i should go to sleep. i should turn in my two weeks notice TOMORROW.

i want ryan to be home. i want to go home. i want to leave this town. i want a new pair of boots. i want to smoke with my little brother. i want to drink with my actual friends. i want to never come back to eureka, california.


Saturday, December 4, 2010

there are fifteen, okay thirteen, minutes until i actually have to worry about getting ready for work. i'm sitting here in my tights and my tank top just so i can write down this feeling, right now, for the world to see.

it's the same feeling that i've had for over 1095 days now, but as i grow and change, it grows and changes. this morning i woke up alone, and so sleepy, but intrigued by a dream. it was one of those mornings where you open your eyes, look at your clock, realize you have a few hours before you actually have to wake up, and throw yourself back into your dream. i'm not sure why i did this with this dream, but i did, regardless. it was bizarre, but i am very happy that i did because then i woke up happy. i woke up feeling this amazing feeling and slight inspiration for one thing. the thing that it all always goes back to. it sounds corny but it's almost the thing that my soul and heart are drawn back to when i'm feeling the lack of life, the lack of inspiration, and sometimes even the lack of love. all while i was just by myself in my bed, in my empty apartment, in silence.

it's waking up with mornings like this that make me always remember why. everyone needs to remember why sometimes, even those who don't care.

Friday, December 3, 2010

tonight my mind is in limbo. it's neither negative or optimistic. i want to sit on my drive way at home, with or without my friends, with or without a cigarette, with or without my pen and paper, and look up at the desert sky and smell the dry winter with the freezing wind hitting me, and i feel like i would find hope. i would find something that i am not finding here in my empty apartment, in a town where i could give a damn about a single soul here.

others feel angry in this situation, but my inspiration just leaves me. others can find reason to be happy, and usually i am one of those people, but here, i'm not. how can you find that in a place that is lifeless? i've seen those who can, but i can't. in many ways i refuse to. i don't want to try really hard to find happiness and life somewhere. if it's there i should be able to feel it. i want to feel the life, i don't want to just hope for it's existence.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

i worry more than i should. i also think of the past more than i should. i find myself sitting up awake, instead of trying to sleep, thinking about secrets and secret lives. that sounds very drastic, and very dramatic, but i cannot seem to stray my thoughts from it. there are two years that i will never know about. suspicions that will never be put to rest because i have said they are in the past, and for the most part they really are. what about the days when they aren't? what happens on the days when my thoughts go back to old circles that i've desperately tried to run away from? i won't run into any answers tonight, and i can't even promise myself that i'll run into any answers in the near future. one day i'll think something, and then the next day what i thought was truth will be wrong. there are no real answers, you can just try.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

you may not be her first, he last, or her only. she loved before and she may love again. but is she loves you know, what else matters? she's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. she may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. so don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you man, and miss her when she's not there. -bob marley
it could all theoretically be a mistake, a very large mistake. we got away, but we are choosing to go back? nothing feels right here, either. where i work makes me miserable. the school i go to makes me lose even more faith in my generation. ryan hates it here, too. he possibly even hates it more than i do. he can't seem to find anything that is worth saving, or worth remembering. i always am able to find something, but that's just the person i am. i'm scared of a lot right now.

if i could chose anything, anywhere for my life to go right now, i know where it would go. i would move to seattle, washington. i know, i know, i know. 'you only love it there because of your boyfriend', but you're wrong. something about that city is calling me, and it might be years before i finally get to call it my home, but i want to. i want to so badly.

these thoughts need to get out somewhere besides a blog, but a journal, or a blog, or writing is the only form of release that i have until he gets home.

i'm lonely, and this is unedited. that is what this entire thing is about, not editing, not being afraid, or more so, not caring.