I fear there is no time to write a ground breaking post before the new year, even now I find myself being pulled outside to write in my journal instead of writing here. So I leave with this short post to let you know that the inspiration is flowing, and that it will continue growing into the new year. this new year will be incredible because i have control of it. you can mark my words, because i promise it will be true.

chriiistmas is over

christmas is over, and i am happy to say that it was wonderful. although i must admit, my real christmas happened on tuesday. ryan and i had a beautiful stack of wrapped presents in the corner, and no parents to tell us we have to wait till christmas morning, so our inner children took over. our bed was in our living room (all due to moving), but we did have a cute little plastic christmas tree and christmas lights hanging on the walls. we also smoked a christmas blunt afterwards, with the stocking stuffers i gave ryan. it was magic and a very 'us' christmas.

i don't want to be too materialistic and talk about presents, but i do want to mention the two adorable pairs of steve madden flats, a pendulum, and my mom gave me my own bead kit! i've been eying all three of those things for ages, especially the bead kit. my mom has this wonderful collection of beads that she has collected for most of her life, and i've missed not having it to play with or make bracelets out of. it's neat to know that i now have my own to start, my own collection. it just falls into place with my new years resolution of creativity.

recently i've moved back home, and i won't lie and say it's not strange. as much as it is strange, it's really nice, too. i'm excited to not have school for a little over a month, but am focusing on finding a job. there are a few positive chances through my parents, and i do think that being a hostess may be in my near future. a job change will be nice and refreshing.

thrift store shopping and trips to the fashion district with my momma are also in the near future. i'm excited to get to see my friends, have late nights in my trailer, and smoking sessions in front yards. it will be interesting to actually make an effort to see ryan, and actually go on 'dates' where i get picked up instead of us just leaving our apartment. it's bittersweet, but i'm hoping it will be more sweet than bitter.

the year of change

i was thinking of doing a recap of 2010, but then i quickly realized that the year is not over yet and there is still time for new things to happen. so, instead i feel inspired to write about things i hope to gain from 2011.

first thing is first, i want 2011 to be a creative year for me. i've spent most of today reading the blog 'a beautiful mess' and it has made me realize that people have taken their inspiration and ran with it, and it has given me inspiration to do the same. instead of letting my inspiration leave me, or simply write about it, i'm ready to do something with it. i'm not sure if it will be making things, getting a deeper love of thrift store shopping, or making my next apartment home, but you can trust that something will come of my inspiration, and i'm so excited! i may even make an inspiration journal, inspired by the blog i previously mentioned.


isn't that an adorable idea? it's a way to figure out your own personal taste so you can go back and inspire yourself. i've been doing that for ages just by saving pictures i like onto my computer, but if i could get that inspiration in a physical form, it'd be wonderful.

this year i also want to be healthier, but stick to it. i plan on cutting down on fast food, cutting out soda, and taking vitamins regularly. i've cut out soda before, and my self control has grown that i really think i can do the others. i will try to exercise, too, but i do not plan on making any extreme promises that i can't keep.

here is a strange goal for 2011, but i want to devote less time to sleep. i want to wake up in the morning excited for the day, not eager to go back to a dream. i want to have more late nights, whether they be filled with drives or long walks. i want more adventure in my life, and i won't settle for anything less. i'm going to be reunited with passion this year, reunited with life. this drab time in my life has made me forgot, and i plan on remembering.

i'll be in a better place this entire year, i'll be genuinely happy this entire year - those are both things that i can be certain of.

this year will be full of changes and surprises, so here is for my one last resolution - i plan on refalling in love with Ryan Wade this year. don't misunderstand, i have yet to fall out of love with him, but we are older now. it's been three years, and this year will only be different. we are becoming older, and we are constantly changing, and i am extremely excited to always get to know him again. half of this year will be spent not living with each other, and the other half will go back to normal - and it will all be wonderful.

the whole next year is full of mystery, and it's full of excitement. i don't think i have ever been as excited for a year as i am for this year. 2011 will be another year for the books, i can already feel it.

there are a few things on my mind, and you can already expect this not to be well written. i'm annoyed with the world, or with certain parts of the world. i'm annoyed with certain parts of myself. there are too many hormones in my system and its effecting my train of thought. i've been getting better at controlling them so the outside world is not effected, my inside my mind is a completely different story.

i am tired of people who like to pretend to be grown up, who go and complain about their lives on any possible social networking site. they complain about how lonely they are, how much they hate their parents, what all is going wrong in their life - and these people are supposed to be high school graduates. aren't they supposed to be growing as individuals? instead they are trying for any cheap shot of sympathy. yes, we all need empathy and compassion, but you should not beg for it. i wish my generation was a stronger kind of individual, but they aren't. if anything i feel as though my generation is the weakest yet. fishing for sympathy, and compliments, and never maturing.

here's a catch - i don't feel like i'm above those individuals. if anything, i'm just as immature as all of them, but i don't show it. i don't know if that is because i care about what people think, but i don't. don't misunderstand, i let a sad twitter slip eventually, but not in hopes of someone @replying and saying how they feel for me. i'm more immature in other ways. for example, i can't fight and half of the time i don't think rationally. ask ryan, he'll tell you. i'm annoyed with myself for another reason as well, for a year now i feel like i've been trying to find myself, or create myself, but i don't know why. i get those moments where i don't need that, then others where i need to be more like myself.

this is a rant, only a rant. i feel like all i can ever do is rant.

my clothing lustlist

being a poor college student in the middle of moving and christmas, i really can't afford to buy anything pointless for myself right now. but i can online shop! window shop, if you will.

striped top
simple gray open front cardigan
adorable cropped vest
brown sweater machine sweater
fair isle cardigan!
red and black cardigan
basic t-shirt dress
sweet babydoll dress
new years dress
tweed shorts
classic black mini skirt
baggy shirt
baggy shirt #2
flowy lace top
one in light brown, too
kimichi blue wingtip heel

here's another entry, only because i fear i have used up enough pages of my journal tonight. scrambled cursive words across each unmarked page, forming senseless sentences. write drunk, edit sober. write drunk, edit sober. write drunk, edit sober. i wonder what happens if you never edit, if you just go, let it wander.

it feels nothing like christmas this year, and all i want to do is go home. i miss all of my christmas decorations, all the ornaments, each of us have our own. i miss my moms hand painted ceramic town.

this room should feel magical. lights strung up on the walls, a beautiful pile of packages in the corner, stockings on the wall, but it doesn't, not to me. tonight i feel lonely, and it doesn't make sense because i shouldn't. rum is not my friend. hormones are not my friend. there are circles to go round in right now, and i feel out of the loop with even my own.

to you: i hope your year turned out like it should have, like you had so much hope for it to.

i don't know what i feel right now. i feel so much, and then it feels like i feel nothing.

I apologize for the few shortages of this blog, and how much I feel I have ignored this blog, but here's a list.

LIST

- i danced with my boyfriend tonight in front of a ton of people. there was jazz music playing, and i have not felt this happy for so long.
- whiskey is my new favorite drink, as i feel pukish
- diamondinthedark is an amazing girl, and no one should have let her go. you will find so much better, i promise. AND, we are hanging out when i get home. i know you're younger, but we are so similar. i'm excited to see where our friendship can go.
- i am so very in love with a ginger boy named ryan. but to those of you who are not in love, i am slightly sorry that i am, and i can only hope that you find this someday. everyone deserves to find this, and i really have naive hope that everyone will find this someday.
- no one in the world has ever understood me the way ryan wade has. the way someone can word what i'm feeling, when i can't even find the words. who can figure out what is keeping me trapped in head, and help me find my way out.
-the past two days someone has told me how perfect ryan and i look together. how we fit. thank you.
- tshirts make the best pajamas
- i don't know what i believe in, in this world, i really am just going day by day.

hey world, i'm happy, and i love you all.